Quandary

I have way too much on my mind right now. So much has transpired in the last week, and I'm really having a hard time taking it all in. Emotions are a tricky thing, and right now mine are so mixed up. I know what I want; but what I want may not necessarily be the best thing for me. My head knows what should be done, but heart has different ideas. I wish I didn't care so much. Maybe then this wouldn't be so much of a problem. Maybe then I could just use the people in question and be done with it.

But how do you use someone who is important? How do you use someone who has come to mean so much to you?


He is hurting me.
He is loving me.
I cry myself to sleep each night.


Sucks to be me right now, people. Sucks to be me.

I'm not trying to knock suicide hotlines or the services they provide or the wonderful people that man those lines and help so many people.

I was up late last night and happened to catch a commercial for a suicide hotline. (Do potential suicides watch a lot of late-night TV? FWIW, I was watching Cheaters.)

Anyway, I noticed that the number for the hotline was advertised like a lot of numbers are for easy recall: 1-800, and then a word. In this case, it was 1-800-SUICIDE. Now, I don't know about you, but under normal circumstances I absolutely HATE having to figure out what digit corresponds to a letter when trying to call a telephone number. Can you imagine trying to figure that out when you're already suicidal????? Here you are, on the verge of ending your life, decide to give a last-ditch effort to obtain help, and you can't figure out the damn number for the suicide hotline.



And then you strangle yourself with the telephone cord.

It's late,

and I thought I'd finally get out some of the stuff that's been in my head. Maybe if I do that, my brain will finally turn off and I can get to sleep at night.

I love that C and I are hanging out again. I didn't realize how much I missed being around him until we spent some time together recently. I really wish I could get into his head though; I just don't quite know where he's coming from right now and he's not the easiest person to get to open up. But despite that, I'm glad to have my friend back in my life and I'll give him the time he needs and I'll be there for him when he's ready to talk.

I think I need to get my own head screwed on straight when it comes to C. It was easy for me to guard my heart last time, and not let myself fall for him, but this time...I don't know, I'm afraid this time I'm going to have a harder time not falling for him and I know I can't let myself because for obvious reasons it certainly can't go anywhere. I don't know why it's so much harder for me this time, though. Maybe because he's always looking at me in the eyes so damn intently I swear he can see right into my head. It's a bit unnerving sometimes, I wish to God I knew what he was thinking.

*sigh*

I just met him a few years too late, dammit!!!

I feel like I'm going "girly" and I don't want to do that to him. He's got enough stuff going on in his life right now, that he doesn't need anything else added to it. I'm supposed to help him escape from all that, help him take his mind of things for a while, not make them worse.

Argh. I feel like banging my head against the wall.

Cube

Weird, but yet strangely captivating. If you like creative deaths, watch this for the opening scene alone. :)

Zodiac

Long, but really good. I liked that it just jumped into the story right from the start.

Scooter on the 'net.

I guess this is his 15 minutes of fame. LOL

WeenieChic

Buzz

Scooter has been having a fight with a fly on and off all day. I'm guessing the fly is winning, 'cause Scooter keeps running off and hiding under the bed. As of this post, he's been under there for about an hour!

Aeon Flux

Not bad. I liked Charlize Theron as a female lead that kicks ass.

It bears repeating.

Even if only as a reminder to myself.





My heart
reaches out to your heart
You aren't mine
We
can
never
be.

That doesn't stop me
from
thinking about you
your smile
your touch
loving you
wanting you
needing you

The circle
the circle keeps me from you
no matter
how we feel

The circle means forever to one person
but
to me
it's what I can't have
Never to be
over
before
it
starts.

Blow Dry

I was so disappointed. I was expecting something funny and campy (along the lines of a Christopher Guest film) but this one just fell flat for me. (Pun intended.) It didn't help that I missed practically the whole final scene because of a bad disc.